Gender Disappointment

This has been a hard topic that I have really struggled with since finding out we were having a girl. There were so many emotions going through me that I needed to process, and I was having a hard time coming to terms with what I was feeling.

I debated whether or not I wanted to share a story this personal with the internet - but how could I not? If it's something that I struggled so desperately with, what if someone else had the same feelings of disappointment and didn't know that others were in the same situation? I want these memories solidified in this blog to remember how I was feeling on this roller coaster that is pregnancy.

The day I found out that the little Bargain inside of me was a girl, was one of the hardest days of my life. I realize how ridiculous and incredibly selfish that sounds - which is one of the reasons why I almost didn't share this story on the blog. How horrible am I to all of a sudden feel like I don't want my child anymore because of the sex God created her to be - when there are SO many families who are struggling to get pregnant who truly couldn't care either way, all they want is a healthy baby.

I was selfish.

I was hateful.

I was angry.

I was confused.

I was lost.

I was hurting.

I had spend 16 weeks of my pregnancy bonding with a child that I thought to be a boy. Turning over those cups at our reveal to see that it was a girl - I was speechless. Completely and utterly speechless. It took everything I had to smile and get through those pictures and act excited in front of those who love and care about me most, and all I truly wanted to do was break down and cry. I'm still not sure how I made it through the next two hours of ice cream and lunch. Shock does amazing things to your body I suppose.

As soon as we got into the car my sister immediately knew that something was wrong. I told her that I couldn't believe that it was a girl and I was really upset. Neither one of us knew what to say. I just wanted to go home.

We made a quick Target stop and of course headed in the direction of the baby clothing. I wanted to take a look at what would be my future. My sister thought this was a terrible idea, but humored me anyway. My eyes kept drifting to the boy clothing. The boy bedding. The Spiderman training underwear. My heart and head kept telling me "this is what you should be shopping for - why is it a girl?" It didn't help that Target is really slipping in adorable newborn clothing this season.

Eventually we walked out with a 2T dress and some infant socks. I had to buy something.

I dropped my sister off at church and immediately started sobbing. Uncontrollable, inconsolable sobs. I had to pull over and cry, even though I was less than a mile away from home. How could I possibly be having a girl?

Again, I know how horrible this sounds. I was so upset and the situation, and even more upset at my reaction. I hadn't realized that I was counting on this child being a boy. I didn't realize that I had bonded with it on that level.

I tried my best to keep it together through the weekend, talking with Kyle about names and nursery ideas. We have had our girls names narrowed down to two and we just needed to pick one and stick with it. I felt like this is what I needed to start to move forward in accepting that we were having a girl.

We called my mom to get her opinion (and she knew before any of us did) and she had asked if I was excited. No. I wasn't. I couldn't muster up the energy to lie again about my excitement and I instantly broke down again.

Poor Kyle. He had no idea what was going on in that crazy brain of mine. He just saw that I was hurting and didn't know why or how to fix it. He was able to get off the phone with my mom quickly to attempt to pacify my sobs. I lost it. I felt lost. I didn't want a girl. At least not first.

That was a very, very dark weekend for me. I couldn't stand the congratulations from Facebook, so I shut it down. I couldn't imagine wanting to attempt to have a natural birth anymore. I couldn't imagine wanting to breastfeed or cloth diaper - something that I have been intensely passionate about for YEARS. It just didn't matter anymore. I didn't want any of it. It was like my light switch went off. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it in fear of being judged for my feelings. I knew that I should be thankful for a healthy child. Logically and medically I knew this - but I just couldn't.

Naturally, I turned to google. It turns out that the feeling of gender disappointment is extremely common. Who knew? (I certainly didn't). Most of what I was reading said "the feeling of disappointment should go away when the baby gets here" or "talk to your therapist if you feel like you can't talk to anyone else." - Seriously? I had to wait another 19ish weeks to feel like a person again? I had to live with that horrible, gut wrenching feeling for that many months? There's no way. I can't even put into words the depth of that darkness. Even now, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around what I was feeling at the time. I tried to explain what I was feeling to Kyle, but he was so excited to be having a girl, that he just didn't get it. Not his fault, by any means - but he wasn't on my level.

I am so incredibly thankful to my mother who came to my rescue. In my weakest moment as a human being, she was able to pull me out of the wreckage I had created in my heart. She explained to me that she had the same feeling when I was born because she spent 40 weeks bonding with me as a boy - so imagine her shock when I was a girl, but that the feeling went away almost immediately. She told me not to pay attention to how others reacted to my depression about having a girl - I legitimately couldn't help my reaction. I say out loud (too often it seems) "I can't help that I'm acting irrational and hormonal right now!" Why would this situation be any different? I was hormonal and completely out of control of my emotions - what I was feeling wasn't my fault. I wasn't a horrible person for being upset - it was my natural response. Deep down I was so thankful to be having a healthy baby, but I needed to deal with my shift of mindset. It was a complete shock to my body that I needed time to adjust to.

 I look at my relationship with my mom now, and I am completely blown away. I am beyond blessed to have such an amazing mother who would give anything for me (and has). Looking at that, how could I not start to get excited that I was having a girl? To potentially have the relationship that I have with my mother, with my daughter. Thus began my tunnel into light.

I am still embarrassed by my initial reaction. I still am so angry at myself for allowing myself to feel anything by excitement and gratitude. I hate that there is even a slight possibility that my child would ever think that I didn't want them - because I love her more than anything on this earth. I just needed time. I was in a deep depression that I had to fight my way out of. Without the help of my supporting partner, my amazing mother, and the few friends that I confided in, I'm sure I would still be in that place, and it was a horrible place that I never care to visit again.

I will not make the mistake of finding out the sex of my child in front of a group of people again. That struggle to maintain my composure almost broke me - and I had NO idea what I would have that sort of reaction. I thought I would be fine either way. Part of me wonders if I would have had the same reaction if it turned out that Bargain was a boy. Probably. I don't think it was a winning situation in either case. I am so beyond thrilled to be having a girl, I can't even stand it now. I have bonded with her on a level I didn't even know was possible. I love my child and I always will. That love was always there, despite my struggle.